16Confess your faults one to another, (James 5:)
I know what your thinking. Anyone with a High School education can see that I can't write.
I did not finish High School, and took no interest in English or Literature whatsoever. In fact, if it hadn't been for the fact that school is where the girls were, I probably wouldn't have gone at all.
I suspect that maybe one out of a thousand people who read what I have to say will accept or agree with any of it. If there are that many who accept, I know it will not be because I expressed my view well, or that my literary expertise was evident. Nor will it be because I have such a deep understanding of the subject that it just bubbled to the top of my writing.
As I have stated, I know I have very little skill as a writer. And my understanding of much of what I write is given to me piecemeal and incompletely, which is the way I present it.
Whatever is grasped or understood from my writing can only be attributed to two things:
The first is the ability of the reader to wade through my poor writings. That is a skill of its own. I know this because I proof read my work several times before I publish it, and every time I read it I find areas I stumble over, lose interest in, and at times can't figure out what I was talking about at the time of writing.
The second thing that will likely be present to understand (if it is a Spiritual matter, which most of my writings are in this section), is that the reader of the study already knows what I am talking about, therefore has no real need to have read it in the first place. My hope is that these readers find a glimmer or two of insight that they hadn't considered, or that helps connect pieces of information they had, but was unclear on.
Those readers who have such information no doubt received it from the same source I did, and that is the Holy Spirit. If this is the case, then they too doubtless feel no pride for having attained the knowledge because it came from a Source outside themself.
In fact, from my experience, if a person hasn't had their Ego beat out of them, the Holy Spirit can not (or will not) provide understanding of the Scriptures.
All criminals are not in prison. All the mentally deranged are not in institutions. All the worldly are not out in the world, but many are in the church.
In fact, the Bible makes it quite clear that we all are criminals (sinners), and we all are mentally deranged and incapable of thinking straight. And the worse the sinner, and the more corrupt our thoughts, the more sinful (unrepentant) and mentally-twisted (fools) we are; the worse we will become because of our ability to camouflage Truth.
One example of Man's ability to convince himself of anything is the Heaven's Gate incident.
In this "suicide" pact nearly 40 intelligent, fairly well-to-do people gave up everything, including their lives in order to take a ride on a spaceship. Here Bo and Peep (the names adopted by the originators of the cult) were able to convince, at one time, hundreds of followers of their belief that they were advanced aliens who would be returning to their planet on a space ship (apparently piloted by Jesus) that was hidden behind a comet. The "Two" convinced their followers to give up everything (even to the point of being castrated) in order to purify their bodies for the trip.
We, that is those of us who were not part of this cult, call what they did "suicide." However, in fact, it was not suicide, but an escape, an adventure they chose over this life here on earth. They wanted to "fly away into the wild blue yonder" and leave this old, corrupt world to its own destruction.
Is this so bazaar? There are millions of God Fearing people who look for the same thing, only most are not willing, nor do they see the need to surrender all they have here on earth in order to take their "trip." They see Jesus coming, not in a spaceship, but on a cloud upon which to secretly whisk them away to the heavens where they will spend forever living in their own villa, play their harp, and fly wherever they wish with their new wings.
In another such incident 900 people followed a man into the wilderness where they eventually committed suicide. They believed they were following the Messiah because that is what he had told them. But when they were in a location from which they could not escape, they learned that their "Messiah" was in fact a devil.
This also has been classified as a cult "suicide." But it was in fact a mass murder, since none wanted to drink the poison, and the man who orchestrated the deaths had no plans to take part in it himself.
"How could they do that?!" we ask. "How could so many seemingly intelligent people do such insane things? What happened to their minds that they could be convinced of such ridicules fairy tales?"
My answer to this, and I believe it is Biblical, is that they all had one particular trait that is common to all who fall into such condemnation. They have a defect that was instilled in them from the time they were born, and even before.
They were human.
And they believed themselves to be infallible, beyond the scope of those who would try to deceive them or abuse them.
We all have this trait. We are all human. And those who are the most vulnerable to falling into such circumstances as those mentioned above are those who believe it could never happen to them.
Confession is an important instrument needed to keep tabs on one's growth status and position with mankind, our self, and most importantly, with God.
Confession is a "Reality Check," if you will.
I read of people such as the ones described in the cults above, who have somehow lost touch with reality. "I would never do that!" I said. Then I found myself going through years of intense therapy.
But I am above that now.
I kept away from people so they could not recognize my worthlessness.
What was I doing wrong, you ask?
Not a thing. In fact I tried harder to be a "good boy" than just about anyone I know. But in the eyes of my family, I was no-account no matter what I did, and who could know me better than my own parents?
It was the same in the Army, in school, and on the job. I worked hard and did fairly well, even to winning awards. But I "knew" that it was only because they didn't know who I really was, and I tried to keep it that way.
My story is not mine alone. I am sure there are plenty of people who could relate such stories, and even far worse. But the result is the same; we have lost touch with reality.
"With that in mind," you might say, "then those who went through a more normal upbringing, those who were treated better would have a better grasp on reality, wouldn't you say?"
I should think so. But consider Hale-Bopp. Consider the Charles Manson followers. Consider the high rate of mental instability and suicides of the middle to high class youth. Consider the drug and alcohol use by the educated and the wealthy.
In my thirties I had many opportunities, in my mind, to consider myself as a superior being. That is really an odd thing to say after my upbringing, but that probably intensified my feeling of elation because of the extreme contrast.
I don't want you to think that I really believed myself superior to others, just mightily blessed......
No, I felt superior.
In fact, I felt like everyone should know what I knew and were the worse off for having not known it. So I tried to let everyone know just what I thought.
In the Army and in school I said just as little as possible.
In therapy I spoke loud and often, in fact I spoke at every occasion whether appropriate or not - and was deeply hurt and offended when I was contradicted. "Poor souls," I thought, "If they would only listen and learn the truth."
That was long ago, a half a lifetime in fact. And I have grown well beyond that now.
Or have I?
They are simple stories, but I believe they are important and interesting. But then, I am biased.
I thought everyone should read what I had written. I was fearful that something might happen to me and my website might go as with the wind. "What a tragic loss to the world," I thought.
But that was just my Ego talking. I know better now.
But so did the Hale-Bopp cult have such convictions.
But so do the Preachers and Theologians believe what they say, which is often in total opposition to what I write, is correct and true. I don't believe they are out to lead anyone astray (there are the exceptions, of course), but their intent is the same as mine - to bring all they can as close to the Lord as possible. Someone, somewhere has to be wrong. With thousands of conflicting opinions to chose from, there has to also be thousands of wrong choices that we can make.
And mine, that is to say this that I write, is the most logical to be one of those cast to the wayside.
And the revelations, that is "understandings" of God's Word has only increased. Part of this is a blessing to me because it is has been information that is quite clear (though clearly believed wrongly by the church in general) and understandable to all who wish, or are willing to look beyond the dictates of their church doctrine.
But I am seeing the time for this "small talk" to come to a close. I am going to have to start writing about God's view of mankind. And I don't want to!
I am now in a place where I have more reason to feel egotistic than I ever have, yet I don't. I know I have nothing to do with what I am saying, or the quality of the writing. When I write, I have very little knowledge of what I am writing about, or were the study or story will go. I am always amazed as I reread what I have written, and wonder where it all came from. I often have a hard time believing that the study came from my own hands.
Doesn't what I have just said sound egotistic in itself? Wouldn't it be easy to dismiss the writings of such a person completely? I sure would!
I want no one to be hurt by whatever I say or do. That is the people-pleaser part of my personality.
I believe somewhere in this big wide world there is one or two people who are intended to see what I have written, and it will strike a prearranged chord in them which will lead them to bigger and better things. But to find that one or two, I must make available my part of the puzzle to the world.
Does this website and my stories feed my Ego? Yes it does. I'm as proud as a toddler with a new puppy over it. I think it is one of the best displayed websites and contains some of the finest material available. And if I thought it was lacking anything, I would strive to correct that lack.
I wish I could feel "normal" again.
Before God was able to present me with this information, He had to "beat the Ego" out of me. He had to take me back to feeling even worse about myself than I did as a kid growing up.
And I can't see how anyone else can "see" what I have been given to write without first having been "beat up," softened, and prepared by God. And neither can I see how that can happen until a person has been brought to a point in his or her life where they have nowhere else to turn, but to totally turn their life over to God; which is our "Reasonable Service."
I am glad; and thank you for paying me a visit.
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