Life with the Philistines


when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed

Hello all you folks out there in radio land. This is your announcer Herald Promulgate bringing you another adventure of Life with the Philistines, that normal family everybody loves to imitate. Let's look in on the Philistines and see what they're up to today, shall we?

In today's episode we find Mr Philistine blessing the family meal on a typical Sunday morning:

"Dear Lord, bless this food, and bless us as we serve you today. Amen. There, everybody dig in."

"That was a very nice prayer George. I'm sure God is very pleased."

"Thank you Martha. I did my best. And is everybody ready for church this morning? Clothes all clean, shoes shined and hair combed?"

"Yes daddy. We're all ready. But I...."

"I know Billy, you'd rather watch the football game on the TV. But you've got to remember, we must all make our sacrifices because it's the Lord's day. I myself am missing a perfect day to go golfing, but do you see me complaining? Of course not. Always remember, we must be prepared at all times for the Lord Jesus to come pick us up and carry us to Heaven on His cloud. Always remember that."

"Yes daddy, but still...."

"Well, here we are, home again. It feels so good to be off those awful pews. I think someone should do something about our comfort. If we have to sacrifice like this every Sunday, the least they can do is make us comfortable while we sacrifice. And the coffee and donuts. Who brings that stuff? They're terrible. I get better at Joe's, and he's known for his lousy coffee."

"Oh stop complaining George. It could be worse you know. Geraldine tells me they don't even serve coffee and donuts at her church. I think that's just awful. We need a pick-me-up to prepare us for those boring sermons and useless announcements. Who cares if they're having a church cleanup or a prayer meeting for someone who's in the hospital. I don't think they should waste our valuable time with such nonsense."

"Right you are Martha. And all that singing before the service starts. If they left off the singing, the announcements, and cut the sermons to something reasonable, like about fifteen minutes, we could get back home all that much quicker. Sacrifice is fine, but do we have to do so much of it?"

"Ok George, but be quiet now, my program is on. I really like this reality stuff. It's kind of vulgar at times, but I like it anyhow."

"But mom! I want to watch the game!"

"After my program Billy. Now, go outside and find something to do and don't bother your mother."

"Well, it's too late to go golfing now, so I think I'll go in the garage and tinker with my, a hem, magazines."

"Can I go too daddy? I like to look at magazines."

"No Jimmy, these aren't for you. You go out and play with Billy. Show him how to throw a football or something, just don't bother your father when he's busy."

"Oh, George, look. I found the Bible we were looking for the other day. It was right here all the time, under the horoscope and the Ouija board. You know George, we really ought to read this thing some day. We keep telling the pastor we will, but somehow we never get around to it."

"Oh Martha. You know that's just a bunch of fairy tales for children. Don't bother with it. Remember, we're only doing all this for insurance, just in case this thing is for real."

"You're right George. And was it ever embarrassing taking that bath in front of all those people."

"Yeah, and ... Martha, there's someone at the door. You're closest, will you get it?"

"Get it yourself George, can't you see I'm busy watching this program?"

"You and your stupid programs Martha. How can you watch that mushy stuff? Look at that, why it's more obscene then my magazines."

"Stuff it George, and get the door. Whoever it is is still knocking."

"Get the door George, get the door George. I'm nothing but a butler around here. Besides, it's probably for you anyhow. One of your, of.. of your.... Martha! He's here! Quick, turn that thing off. I told you not to watch that stuff!"

"He's here? Who's here George? Calm down. You're a nervous wreck."

"No, now Martha, really He's here! God! I mean Jesus! He's here, knocking at our door. Just a minute Sir, Lord. Give us a minute or two and we'll be right there. Get rid of those tarot cards and that Ouija board. And turn that stupid thing off! Oh man, and my box of magazines. I got to get rid of them quick. Oh, and Martha, get out that Bible and open it up to something. Just do it quick!"

"George, come here, look. There's no one here. It's just your imagination. Just your guilty conscience or something."

"Let me see. I know He was there, and it weren't my imagination. He was really there Martha. What's this? A card. Did you put that here on the door knob Martha?"

"No George, why would I hang a card from my own door knob? What does it say?"

"It says... All it has is some Bible verses written on it. Look here, see? Luke 12:34 to 36, Matthew 24:50-51, and 1John 2:28 to 29."

"What does it mean George? Look up those verses in the Bible."

"You know I don't know the Bible. Where would I start?"

"I don't know George. Let's see if the Bible has an index. Yeah, here it is. The verses say:"

50The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, 51And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Mat 25:)

34For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 35Let your loins be girded about, and your lights burning; 36And ye yourselves like unto men that wait for their lord, when he will return from the wedding; that when he cometh and knocketh, they may open unto him immediately. (Luke 12:

28And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming. 29If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him. (1John 2:).

16And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:.... Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided? 21So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God....31But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.... 34For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also..... that when he cometh and knocketh, they may open unto him immediately. 37Blessed are those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: .... 40Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.

42And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season? 43Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. 44Of a truth I say unto you, that he will make him ruler over all that he hath. 45But and if that servant say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to beat the menservants and maidens, and to eat and drink, and to be drunken; 46The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. 47And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. 48But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. (Luke 12:)

16And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life? 17And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments..... 23Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. 24And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. (Mat 19:)

(See also the parables of the ten virgins, and the unprofitable servant )

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