"What about women, Ed?"
"Yeah, what's got yer' dander up this time, Ed?"
"It's this women thing. I just cain't figger 'um out."
"You ain't s'posed t' figger 'um out, Ed. That's why they is womens an' not menfolk."
"What is that s'posed to mean? You ain't makin' no sense. Talk plain."
"Yeah he is, Ed. He's plain enough. Mens is mens an' wimens is wimens. That's plain as day."
"Sho'. An' never the twins shall meat."
"That's twain shall meet."
"Twain? What'a twain? Ya mean lika a Choo, Choo. ?"
"Twain. It's like....."
"Forget twain. What's yer problem with women, Ed?"
"Aw, I just cain't figger 'um out."
"You ain't s'posed to figger 'um out."
"Let's not get off on that again. What's it about women you ain't got figgered out?"
"Well, it's like knowin' what they wants from a feller. You know. You does what they says they wants, then when you goes and does it, it ain't what they wants a'tall."
"You gots that right, sho' 'nough."
"What's a women gone an' done that's got you tizzied up?"
"Oh, it's that woman a' mine. First off she goes 'an tells me I should ought to be open an' honest with her. She tells me I should speak my mind an' tell her what I is a thinkin. I says to her: well, what if I says somethin' out of hand to ya'?, to the which she says to me: Don't worry 'bout that. If you says somethin' not to my likin', we'll just work through it. I should a' knowed better 'cause she ain't said nothin' to me yet what wasn't backhanded or downright intolerable."
"You weren't dumb enough to do what she tol' you to, wuz ya!?"
"No one's that dumb!"
"A feller ought to never tell a womans what he is a thinkin'. Surest way ta' get his face slapped."
"Or a rollin' pen over the noggen."
"Yeah, like ol' man Munster. He tol' that wife a' his a thing or two, and the next thing we knows he is dead as a door nail."
"Ol' man Munster died of a heart attack. His wife didn't kill him."
"Same difference. If he'd a kept his mouth shut he'd probable still be here ta'day."
"Ol man Munster was ninety an' nine when he died, and that was twenty years back. He'd be a hunnert an' twenty or there abouts if he was still a livin'. Ain't likely."
"Could though. Fact remains, if he'd kept his mouth he'd been a heap better off than he is now."
"So, Ed, did you speak your mind to your woman. Was you that dumb?"
"Fraid so. I figger'd she knew her mind. Won't talk to me no more."
"Well, that's a blessing sure 'nough."
"Yeah, Ed, what'd you say to yer woman to get her to stop yappin'? I'd like ta' try it on my woman."
"I bet you would! That woman a' yours has got a non-stop mouth. Never saw the like of it in all my born days."
"Well, I s'pose you has learned your lesson then, hasn't you Ed?"
"Wished it were so. But she done blind-sided me with another a' her annoyances."
"Well, like fer'instance, she tells me I should oughta' stand up fer her an' tell my folks they ought not to bad mouth her like they does."
"Yer folks badmouths yer wife does they?"
"Well, not her, exacital. It's more like her family they talks against."
"Your folks don't like her folks I takes it. Not uncommonly unusual. Mine don't neither. Hardly seen in-laws yet what could get along."
"I s'pose. But I doubts most folks would be ignerant enough to go an' tell their folks to knock of the badmouthin' they is doin'."
"You went and done it then I take it."
"An' they kilt you over it?"
"All barrels a' blazin'. Now I got my folks riled at me, and I got her folks riled at me fer interferin' an talking about them to my folks a-tall. An' my woman is huffed up 'cause I said she it was what got me to say what I done said."
"But you now has harmony in your own home wit' yer woman I takes it. No more silent treatment?"
"If it were only so. But it tain't."
"It tain't? You did what you was told. So what's the bug under her bonnet now?"
"Well, it ain't exacital that she is chaffed at me what's got me tithered. It's more like the attitude she done taken on."
"What attitude has she done taken on?"
"Well, it's like, you know, now that I is in a mess with ever'body, no one talkin' to me hardly a'tall, instead a' bein' appreciative of what I done for her, she has gotten her back up an' she is goadin' me in the sides to drive more at my folks. It's like she is using me as a plow to clear her own path an' is insensible to my feelings at all. Depressin' is what it is. Kind a gnaws at my belly it does. I thought better a' her."
"Well, that's a woman for ya'. Always there by yer side, with a knife in yer ribs."
"I don't know. How come they al'as say that behind ever' good man there's a woman?"
"It's cause she is waitin' fer a good cliff to push him off of, is why."
"Well, Ed, you done apologized to her ain't 'cha? I mean you done explained yourself an' taken the blame fer it all, ain't 'cha?"
"Shore I has. But the more I explains myself, an' the harder I apologizes, the more madder she grows."
"Gets hot, does she?"
"More akin to a bomb a'burstin' if I was to tell you the truth."
"That's a womans fer ya'. Cain't live with 'em, an' ya' cain't live with 'em."
"You means ya' can't live with them, an' ya can't live with out them, don't cha?"
"I couldn't rightly say. I been married fer so long don't know as how I has ever lived without 'em."