"I am so excited! What we have for you today is just the most amazing product I have ever offered! The most incredible! The most perfect! It's just the most!! Don't you agree Suzanna!?"
"Oh yes, Jane! I have just loads around all my houses, and I am going to buy more today!"
"You are so right, as usual, Suzanna! I too am going to buy several loads for my three houses! And so should you, ladies! I'm telling you the truth, absolutely NO home should be without it!"
"That's right, Jane! Only a fool would pass up this offer! It has absolutely changed my life! I don't know how I got along without it!"
"That's right, Suzanna! My life was boring and pointless -- just like yours is now, ladies! And then I had my first experience with DIRT! And would you believe it, Suzanna? With my very first purchase, I not only turned my whole life around, but with my first application I reduced facial wrinkles by half, passed two kidney stones -- and lost five pounds the very first week!!"
"That truly is amazing Jane! And I'll bet your neighbors were impressed when they saw the delivery truck, with its bright green and gold crest!"
"Oh! Suzanna! I was so excited! And you should have seen the envy on their faces when that big truck backed up and dumped the first load of DIRT on my lawn! And you would have been so proud of me, Suzanna! I didn't brag or boast a bit, even though I wanted to something awful!"
"I am impressed, Jane! What did you do!?"
"Do you know what I did, Suzanna!? I just laughed a little, pointed at them and said, 'Ha ha, I bet YOU wished YOU had my DIRT! But it's too late for you, the offer is over and you can't get any! So THERE!!'"
"I wish I had your self-control, Jane! And isn't it sad that all those people had to miss out on such a wonderful offer!"
"Yes it certainly is, Suzanna! But ladies, don't YOU be the one standing on the sidewalk with your tongue hanging out in envy! Don't YOU be one of those who misses out on this once-in-a-lifetime offer! If you do, I promise you, you will regret it for the rest of your life!"
"That's right Jane! It has been nearly two weeks since we have had the privilege of offering to all you fine viewers DIRT! And at such a dirt-cheap price!"
"Oh, Suzanna! You are SO clever! Did you just make that up!?"
"Yes, Jane, I must admit I did! Sometimes those little quips just pop into my head and I just HAVE to say them!"
"Well, Suzanna, I certainly wish I had your gift for humor!"
"So do I, Jane! So do I!"
"Yes, ehem! Well, Suzanna!! Why don't we show the viewers our fine product!? Let's step over to the table where a display has been set up!"
"My, Jane! Doesn't DIRT make a lovely pile!? Wouldn't it make a wonderful centerpiece on a dining table!? Maybe even a wedding table! Especially yours, Jane, if you ever find a man! The right man, that is!"
"Yes, Suzanna! One man! The right man!!!"
"I say, Jane! Are you a little miffed at me?!"
"Oh no, Suzzanna!! Oh no!!!"
"I certainly am glad to hear that, Jane! Ladies -- I wish you could run your fingers through DIRT as I am doing! It feels so wonderful on the skin! My hands feel as though they are becoming more soft and youthful just by the mere touch of DIRT!"
"Yes, Suzanna! After my shower I love to just soak my feet in DIRT for hours! It is so sooooothing to my toes!"
"Yes, Jane! And didn't it do WONDERS for your bunions and athlete's foot?! Are they completely healed yet!?"
"I find it difficult to answer your question, Suzanna!! Since I never HAD any problems with MY feet!! How are YOURS coming along, SuzANNa!!?"
"Oh, Jane! And you said you didn't have a sense of Humor! THAT part of your senses is just fine! After all, EVeryone KNOWS that my feet are perfect . . ., just like the rest of me!"
"Not EVERYbody, SuzANNa!! Not EVERYbody!!"
"Now, Jane, be nice! Our viewers might get the wrong idea! And speaking of our viewers, I do believe we have one on the phone! Is it Claudia we are speaking to!? Like in DIRT Caud ia!?"
"Yes it is, Suzanna. And aren't you clever to think of that. Now I'll have everyone I know calling me Dirt Claud."
"No need to thank me, Dirty!"
"Don't worry, I WON'T!! GoodBYe!!"
"She was a little touchy! But, that is what DIRT is for! OH, another caller! And what is your name!?"
"My name is Girty . . ., and don't try to make anything of it!!"
"I wouldn't dream of it Dirt . . ., I mean, Girty! Everyone KNOWS I wouldn't do a thing to offend a caller!"
"Yeah, sure. Well, Suzanna, I just wanted to tell everyone what a wonderful product DIRT is. It made an impression on my entire neighborhood from the moment the delivery truck stopped in front of the house."
"I'm just thrilled to hear it, Girty! And did your neighbors carry on like Jane's did!?"
"Well, I suppose they would have if the driver had dumped the DIRT on my yard instead of in my classic Greek water fountain."
"Oh, but it probably did a world of good for the fountain!!"
"You may be right, Suzanna. But it's been two weeks now, and the digging crew says it will be another week before they reach the fountain. By the way, Suzanna . . . , are you sure that's not cement?"
"You have quite a sense of humor yourself, Girty, ha ha! But tell me about what DIRT has done for you! Have you lost weight, or taken off any moles!?"
"Well, no, Suzanna. But our dog Spot, a hairy wolfhound, rolled in it the first day our DIRT arrived and we saw big changes in Spot right away."
"This is exciting, Girty! Tell me, Did it make him more energetic!? Change him into a happy, loveable pup, maybe!?"
"Well, No, Suzanna. It didn't do anything like that. But it did cure his carbuncles."
"That's a wonderful story, Girty!! Thank you for sharing it with us and all our viewers! Tell me, I'll bet Spot and all your family are happier then ever!"
"Well, No, Suzanna. We're all glad his carbuncles are gone and all that. But we'd be a whole lot happier if his hair would grow back. We call him Baldy now, and his sunburn is just awful. I think he blames us and tries to bite anyone who comes close. And we got to come close to feed him, wipe his wounds and clean up after him. Poor thing can't even get up to pee. Poor thing!"
"Well, that's a wonderful story, Girty! Don't you just love these events!? And aren't they just the best thing in the whole WORLD!!?"
"They surely are, Suzanna."
"And thank you again for sharing your wonderful story with us! But I must go now, it looks like Jane has a surprise to share with us!"
"Yes I do, Suzanna! And thank you for noticing!"
"And what is it you have for us, Jane!? By the looks and the smell, I would say it was a wash tub full of horse manure!"
"Once again your acute senses have served you well, Suzanna! But you are not quite correct this time! What I have here is in fact a wash tub full of COW manure, fresh from Farmer Brown's Dairy!"
"That is indeed exciting, Jane! And it surely is the finest example of cow manure I have ever laid eyes on! Even the flies that are swarming around it are the healthiest I have ever seen! I do have a question however! What in heaven's name are you going to DO with that washtub full of manure!??"
"I am certainly glad you asked that question, Suzanna! For in fact it was you who inspired the project!"
"Me, Jane!!? I inspired you to bring a washtub full of cow manure onto this TV set??!!"
"Yes, indeed you did, Simply Sensational Suzanna! You were telling us about your perfect body, and I thought to myself: 'Jane,' I said, 'It's just not right for Suzanna to hide her secret from our faithful viewers! It's just not right at all. ' 'You're right,' I replied right back! 'But what can we do about it!?' 'Why, we can offer her beauty secret as a bonus gift!' 'That's a fantastic idea,' I said! So I called Farmer Brown and he obliged me by delivering the product himself!"
"That is truly a fascinating story, Jane! But I still don't see . . .."
"You are so right, as usual, Suzanna! Words just aren't enough! Our viewers deserve a demonstration!!"
"Now, Jane, You don't mean . . .!!??"
"Suzanna! I'm happy to tell you this, but you are wrong this time !! Let's see now, I take three fingers of this slimy green stuff and apply it directly to your nose . . .."
"Stoppit Jane!!! You can't do that!!!"
"You're right, Suzanna!! I'll need a whole hand full . . . and rub it . . . all over your . . . face!!!"
"You won't get away with that, Jane! I'll take TWO hand fulls and . . .!"
"Stop it, you fool!!! I'm SLippinnnnnnnnnggg!!!!"
"LET GO A' THE TUB, STUPID . . ., YOU'RE PULLING IT DOWN ON TOP OF US!!!!"
* * *
"Ladies and Gentlemen. This is Harvey Schmuck, President and Founder of the Happy Shoppers Network. Due to unforseen technical difficulties, we will be unable to continue with our scheduled programing. We hope you will bear with us. In the mean time, we will run 'The very best of Happy Shopping'. Thank you for your patience."