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VANITY

"Appearances"

"You're vain, vain, vain, Reggie. You're just plain vain."

"I'm not vain. What would give you such an idea?"

"If you isn't vain, Regg, I don't know what is."

"They're right, Regg, ol' boy. You are an egotistical Son-of-a-Gun."

"Oh, you think so, do you.? Well, you just tell me one thing about me that you would call vain."

"Well, fer one thing, that there yeller' vest you always got on. Come to think, don't it ever get dirty?"

"Yeah, Reggie. That and those cufflinks a' yours. Cufflinks, an' it ain't even a Sunday go-to-meetin' day."

"What's the matter with my vest and cufflinks? So I like to dress fashionable. Not like you bunch of hick slobs."

"Callin' us names ain't gonna' help your case none. 'Sides, most a' us is farmers an' we works with the dirt. Can't go dressin' city-fied like you do."

"Well, Andy doesn't dress funky like you guys. Neither does Mike. Kind of wrecks your excuse, doesn't it."

"They ai'nt farmers. Leastways not any more."

"Tha's right. An Andy is a city fella too, and he don't dress up like no dandy."

"Everyone to their own thing, I always say."

"You al'as say that Reggie? I never hear'd you say that a'fore. I hear'd BiIl say it a time or two, but not you."

"Well I have, you just weren't here. Besides, if my vest and cufflinks are all you have to prove ..."

"That ain't all a'tall. It's you're eyes, an' you're mouth, an...."

"That's right. And the way you always got your hair slicked down."

"An' how you always stand kind a' to one side, like you don't want nobody to see the other part a your face. Kinda' lopsided, sorta.' Do you guys know what I mean?"

"That's right, you do sort of look at people off-center."

"Why is that, Regg? Something you're hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything. It's just that my nose is a little bent to one side and it looks shorter from one side than the other. No big deal."

"See? I tol' ya' so. Didn't I tol' ya'?"

"Turn the other way, Regg, so we can see."

"That's not necessary."

"Oh, go on, Regg."

"I don't want to, I say."

"He don't have ta' if he don't wanna'. But what about your mouth? It always looks stretched, like you was chewin' on somethin', but you ain't chewin'."

"Yeah, like you was poppin' your ears, sorta'."

"You're self-conchified of your short chin, ain't that a fact, Reggie?"

"Well, what about's that look a your'n, like you is always lookin' down your nose at ever'body? Why you do that?"

"Yeah, an' why is it that...?"

"Hold it! What is this? Pick on Reginald day? So I'm a little vain. So I confess it."

"You asked, Reggie. We is only obligin'"

"A little vain, he says."

"Well, it isn't a problem, anyway. Besides, look at you. None of you are exempt from being a little vain."

"What vain? I ain't vain."

"Me neither."

"Nor I, neither."

"You think not, do you? Well, how about you, Bill?"

"What about me? I didn't do anything. Not vain wise, anyway."

"That baseball hat you always have on. It covers up your bald head. That's why you wear it all the time."

"Who's bald? I'm not bald. What makes you think I'm bald?"

"Ok, then, take off your hat and show us."

"Ok, ok, guys. Stop grabbing my hat. So I've lost a couple hairs. Big deal. But I'm not bald."

"And you, Angus, with your sleeves always rolled up showing off your muscles and tattoos."

"So I like my sleeves up. So what? Wanna' make somethin' of it?"

"No, Angus, just making a point. And what about Andy here, with his flashy beard and strange hat."

"What's the matter with Andy's hat? Ever'body wears a hat. His is maybe a little fancier, maybe, an' cleaner. But tha's because he don't work in the sod like us others no more. Ain't that so, Andy?"

"An' so what about a beard. Most everybody here's got a beard. Nothin' uncommonly uncommon about that."

"Not one super trimmed like Andy's. Besides, Bill doesn't have a beard. Mike doesn't have a beard. So where does that leave your argument?"

"Bill's a city fella, like you. And Mike, here, he's a full-blood Indian is why he don't got no beard."

"You're Indian, Mike? I didn't know that. Which one?"

"Lummi."

"Lummi's were the first ones here, Ain't that so Mike?"

"Ok, ok, so Mike is Indian. I get it. And everybody's got a beard."

"So, what's wrong with Andy's beard, Reggie. Nothing different to speak of 'xept maybe being redder then most."

"Tha's right. When Andy was a youn'un, it looked like his hea'yd was on fire."

"Skinny thing too, he was."

"Tall drink a' water."

"Looked like a lit match walkin' up the street."

"A match! Tha's a good 'un Tom."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with being a little vain. In fact it could be good for you. And the opposite is surely a problem."

"What are you saying, Andy? I don't follow."

"Yeah. An' leave off with the college-boy words."

"Well, to put it simply, if you feel good about yourself, You will take care of yourself. And if you don't feel good about yourself, you won't take care of yourself."

"That was simple. I kind 'a got that one."

"Yeah. You means if I don' like myself I'll go to seed like ol' Hank here."

"Hey! You ain't so all-fired hot stuff yourself, fella."

"I didn't mean nothin' by it. Just funnin' is all."

"Well, fun-up about yourself, an' leave me out of it."

"You said some'thin' about a problem, Andy. What kind a' problem?"

"Well, if a person feels too good about himself, to the exclusion of other people, he is likely to isolate himself ........."

"You're not talking about me, are you, Andy? Playing get-back. I've got plenty of self-esteem, and it's not vanity."

"He's talkin' 'bout me, I know he is."

"No, it's me he's refer'ending to, 'cause I got plenty a' that 'steam stuff."

"I'm not naming anyone in particular. I'm just telling you what I think. Now, on the other hand, a person who doesn't think he's as good as everybody else is likely to...."

"Like ol' Hank here, you mean."

"Cut that out. I tol' you....!"

"No offence, Hank."

"Ok then."

"Go ahead, Andy. Don't mind those two."

"People with low esteem are likely to do things just to please others. Like getting into gangs, shoplifting, nose rings, dressing in a strange manner...."

"That's kid stuff you're talkin', Andy. None a' us here does that kind a' stuff."

"Tha's right, Andy. Talk growed-up stuff so we can foll'y you plainly."

"Alright, how about this? Joining a church because someone else does, or a lodge...."

"I told you that church stuff was no good. Just like Andy said."

"That's not what I said at all."

"But you said...."

"Go ahead, Andy, I foll'y you."

"Here's one for you. Spending money on someone to make them like you. Or dressing a certain way, acting in a certain manner that's contrary to the way you are, pretending to be a big-shot and going in debt to impress others."

"Sounds like courtin' to me."

"It shore do. A feller goes through all that to win a gal, then when he's hitched with her, an' the wrappin' comes off, he learns for his self that he catched the booby prize."

"That's my Rosa, you betcha'."

"And, when you don't feel adequate, you will say things you don't believe so people will like you, or agree with someone so they won't be mad at you."

"Hold on there, Andy. Somebody done led you up a false trail there. They's no goin'g through life without fibbin' here and there."

"Tha's right. Just you try not sayin' what the wifey wants an' you'll be tossed out on y'r ear for sure."

"Or you're Mother-in law. They's even worst."

"I thought you was married yourself, Andy. You shoulda' knowed all this."

"So, what 're you sayin', Andy? Got somethin' up your sleeve? Some alterna'tuitive?"

"Just tell the truth. That's all I'm saying. Be honest."

"Oh, ho ho no! I likes livin' too much."

"My wife would kill me dead, sure."

"I thunk you had somethin' goin' this time, Andy. But you done falled off the horse again."

"Can you 'magine tellin' the truth on a horse swap? Pouring money down the gutter is what it is."

"You'd best re-evalu'tate your thinkin', Andy. Them books done give you a wrong steer, believes you me."

"So, I blew it again, Did I?"

"That's right, Andy. Rethink your thoughts. That's what I'm thinkin'."

"Speaking of thinkin'. I'm a thinkin' it's time I moseyed home 'for that wife a' mine sics the dog on me."

"I'm with you."

"Hold up, fellas. I'm coming too."

"Well, Mike. Why is it that you never put in your two cents worth? You always just leave me hanging out to dry."

"What would be the use?"

"You got me there."

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